Aerland feedback and commentary

[oldfather]

We need a way to give old Nedward, the curmudgeonly scribe who thought up this novel, some feedback, and here it is.

1. The story has a great beginning, but in an Arctic world, it is difficult to imagine how very large trees, such as that okre, might manage to grow. (later in this forum, I've made a suggestion about plant biology in such a world: the "sunvane" tree. Have a look)
2. Bird eggs would usually be laid in the spring/summer, however brief it is. Too much danger of freezing if the eggs were laid at a season when Gathering Storms are likely to gather.
3. Oh, and I nearly forgot - Winston Churchill already stole your book's Title. His is called "The Gathering Storm" and discusses the beginning of World War Two. Good to think of near Remembrance Day, but not good for imaginative fiction, is it?

[Nedward Underhill]

Thanks for the feedback!

I admit that the tree is a bit implausible. Perhaps It should have just been a large craggy rock. Call me crazy, I like a tree better. Besides, while unlikely, it is POSSIBLE for such an old stubborn tree to exist in the frozen world. Nature is sometime unexpected and contradictory.

As for the eggs, I suspect that there are foolish birds, just like there are foolish boys. She should have known better than to go partying & lay her eggs so late in the season. ;-)

[oldfather]

And i want to know... where is that child's mother!??

[Nedward Underhill]

Indeed. Read on!

[Sorcha]

Though tempted to leave them to their fate, he knew he couldn’t afford it. A storm was coming, and if he didn’t get the beasts inside they’d likely all be frozen solid before it cleared. Borelin dragged himself up and stood catching his breath. In his mid thirties, Borelin was a solidly built man of just over six feet tall. He brushed the snow off his bulky frame with large, scarred, hands. The hood of his fur-lined leather jacket was pushed back revealing a bearded face surrounded by a matted tangle of straw-coloured shoulder-length hair. His facial features were stubborn and unyielding; a heavy brow, strong prominent nose, and deep-set greenish-grey eyes. Notwithstanding the bitter wind, a sheen of sweat coated his face. He wiped it absently with the back of his forearm, then shaded his eyes with his hand and gazed out over the frozen plain. Still no sign of the boy.

I find this description in the middle of a paragraph to be a bit disconcerting, and I bet it's not necessary to stop and describe him. I bet you can figure out how to work the description into the narrative instead of stopping the action to tell us what he looks like.

I've been chewing for a couple days on why these sentences stick out for me as not belonging, and I think it's because of the POV you are using. This entire chapter is written from Borelin's perspective, from a place inside his head, as it were (see: all the places where the narrator tells us what he's thinking or feeling). Inside his head, it's not necessary to say what he looks like.

You can still tell us what he looks like, just by working it into the narrative. For instance, instead of stopping to tell us he has greenish-grey eyes here, at some point, he could be looking at someone else's eyes, and you could write something like "The blue eyes, so unlike his own greenish grey eyes, stared steadily back at him."

I really like this so far, and I am picking nits, I know.

[Nedward Underhill]

No not at all. It's funny that you mention it, because I was thinking about the pov just today. When I planned the novel I actually intended to have an exterior (& traditional) pov, but I just can't seem to write that way, and here we are inside Borelin's head.

I considered the physical description a rudimentary necessity, so included it. I also threw in a pile of character descriptions (solid, bulk, scarred, stubborn etc.). I don't want to give up the "hook" of the description, and what is says about his character. I'll have to think about your comments.

Thanks!

Nov 11, 2008 20:40:43 GMT -6 oldfather said:

...
3. Oh, and I nearly forgot - Winston Churchill already stole your book's Title. His is called "The Gathering Storm"; and discusses the beginning of World War Two. Good to think of near Remembrance Day, but not good for imaginative fiction, is it?

You almost snuck that edit past me! My working title is an accidental reference to Churchill's book, but not one that bothers me. Frankly, I assumed that the exact title has been used before when I chose it. Sure enough, a quick look on Amazon.com showed this to be the case, along with a pile of "gathering storm" "storm gathering" publications that have no relation to Churchill or World War II.

I chose the title for reasons that I wont get into now but which relate to politics and war, so perhaps there was an unexpected synchronicty at work. I'll just have to make sure there's razis in it somewhere! Tatsächlich!

[Sorcha]

Thought some more about this, and I think I figured out why it poked me out of suspension of disbelief a little.

Though tempted to leave them to their fate, he knew he couldn’t afford it. A storm was coming, and if he didn’t get the beasts inside they’d likely all be frozen solid before it cleared. Borelin dragged himself up and stood catching his breath. In his mid thirties, Borelin was a solidly built man of just over six feet tall. He brushed the snow off his bulky frame with large, scarred, hands. The hood of his fur-lined leather jacket was pushed back revealing a bearded face surrounded by a matted tangle of straw-coloured shoulder-length hair. His facial features were stubborn and unyielding; a heavy brow, strong prominent nose, and deep-set greenish-grey eyes. Notwithstanding the bitter wind, a sheen of sweat coated his face. He wiped it absently with the back of his forearm, then shaded his eyes with his hand and gazed out over the frozen plain. Still no sign of the boy.

It's because you're changing POV in the middle of a paragraph. First two sentences are interior. Third is neutral. Then the description, which is exterior. Second-to-last is neutral again, and then you end with an interior sentence.

Maybe all you need here is a couple paragraph breaks?

Maintaining consistent POV is one of the hardest things for me as a writer. I've been known to switch POV, all unconsciously, three or more times in one sentence. I have not noticed you doing a lot of it in your writing, which may be why this example seems to stick out so much.

[oldfather]

Nov 13, 2008 18:04:30 GMT -6 Nedward Underhill said:

I'll just have to make sure there's razis in it somewhere! Tatsächlich!

razis? Tatsächlich?

Pardon my age and mental density...

I surmise that "razis" might be the Nazis of your world, but "Tatsächlich" escapes me entirely.

[Nedward Underhill]

"Razis" is a alternate name for Nazis. It appears in various Marvel comics, notably Captain America. Clearly, you did not read enough Marvel comics when you were growing up. Tatsächlich is actual German, and means "absolutely."

[Nedward Underhill]

Nov 13, 2008 21:45:19 GMT -6 Sorcha said:

...Maybe all you need here is a couple paragraph breaks?

How's this:

Though tempted to leave the bolocs to their fate, Borelin knew he couldn’t afford it. If he didn’t get the beasts inside they’d likely all be frozen solid before it cleared. With a grunt, he dragged himself up and stood catching his breath.

In his mid thirties, Borelin was a solidly built man of just over six feet tall. He brushed the snow off his bulky frame with large, scarred, hands. The hood of his fur-lined leather jacket was pushed back revealing a bearded face surrounded by a matted tangle of straw-coloured shoulder-length hair. His facial features were stubborn and unyielding; a heavy brow, strong prominent nose, and deep-set greenish-grey eyes. Notwithstanding the bitter wind, a sheen of sweat coated his face. He wiped it absently with the back of his forearm, then shaded his eyes with his hand and gazed out over the frozen plain.

Still no sign of the boy.

[Sorcha]

It may be that I'm oversensitive to POV shifts, since I have to watch for it so much in my own writing, but I much prefer this spacing.

[Nedward Underhill]

I like it too! Thanks!

[sis]

Of course, I could be the entirely nit-picky person and tell you about the typos, but I am certain you have picked up on them already.

I also agree with Sorcha on the pov. I'm not well-versed enough in writing to understand that was the difficulty I was having with the story, but when I read her input, I realised she was correct. I must say that I am partial to the internal pov.

Although it is necessary to set a scene with descriptors, I find that they break up the story too much and I want to skim over those sections and get back to the story.

And Oldfather already mentioned some of my other points, such as what was a bird doing laying eggs not in her season, etc., but I am enjoying the promise of a good story!

[Nedward Underhill]

Thanks for the feedback. I'll do what I can to stay in Borelin's head. If there are specific descriptions that took you out of the story, please don't hesitate to point them out.

[oldfather]

The SunVane Tree

The presence of trees in that arctic environment has continued to nag at me, and I think I have the solution.

Normal trees work with a combination of sunlight and carbon dioxide being processed by the leaves or needles, and water travelling up and down spaces between the wood fibres to deliver nutrients from the earth.

Your trees cannot use water to function unless there is heat to keep the water from freezing, so the tree has to make heat. So, in your world the trees don't produce green leaves, but big black flaps or vanes which absorb sunlight and oxygen in order to produce heat. The wood fibres themselves actually retain heat for a while even after the tree has been cut.

Reproduction of such trees: the tree produces a hot spore which falls onto the snow. The spore replicates the light/oxygen processing system of the vanes, and so melts the snow into which it falls, "drinking" the water, and producing hot little shoots and roots. With lots of sun, the SunVane tree grows quickly - but is not tall. Instead, its trunk is very thick.

If you were to bore a hole into an old tree, the end of your drill would become hotter and hotter the further in it goes. Pull the drill out, and steam would come out of the hole (but unless you plug it with dirt or something, the tree's health could be seriously compromised).

Cut wood from a SunVane tree would eventually cool (though it makes very hot fires because of the oxygen stored in the wood), but if the tree's vanes are nailed onto a roof, their ability to attract and retain the warmth of the sun makes them ideal home covers.

In a Snow Giant, comparative safety and warmth can be had huddled up close to the trunk on the lee side of the wind.

"forests" of such trees would be quite warm places, and thus villages would be found in or near them.

Thought you should know.