Edits

[Nedward Underhill]

I'm setting up a thread devoted to my rewrites, so that if something changes, I can give you a heads up here.

This thread has been moved here, as it belongs:

Nov 15, 2008 15:54:06 GMT -6 Nedward Underhill said:

Well, it is a working draft. And I'm not a science fiction writer.

Originally, I figured I'd use earth animals, mixed in with some unique to Aerliand. But as I get into it, I find that it hurts more than it helps to use familiar beasts. This is because of some nagging complaints in my mind saying, for example, "but eagles can't live in an arctic climate." Or, "come on now, malamutes could not survive for 3 days under snow. There's no air!"

Also, I really had intended for the unborn chick to die. But, like I've said before, A Gathering Storm is somewhat writing itself, and well...Storm was rather determined to be born. Storm the ellit. Ellits, as we all know, DO live in frozen wastelands.

Similarly, the malamutes have become silverbacks, who are kindod like prehistoric malamutes on steroids

Sorry about that. Now, back to the story...

[Nedward Underhill]

Crainil becomes a town of a a few hundred souls. (rather than only one hundred.)

Borelin is known as "the hermit" but it's not because no one lives like he does, rather it is because his standoffish nature.

[Nedward Underhill]

Removed reference to "leaching" the leg. "Draining" instead.

Clara's reference to "bringing down the swelling" removed. Replaced with the following, "She nodded her head. “We will try, of course. But the touch of the holy waters will be a great strain upon the boy’s spirit. I have seen strong men unable to endure it. Yaelwe’s will shall be in this, as in all things.”"

[Nedward Underhill]

Sunvane tree added. Thanks go to oldfather for the great idea.

[Nedward Underhill]

Changed the (as yet unnamed in the story) name of the world to Aerland, bacause the "i" has been bugging me for a long time.

[Nedward Underhill]

Modified the end of chapter 4, removing the obvious use of dark rites by the King. It felt heavy-handed.

[Nedward Underhill]

restarting Ch 5.. not satisfied yet

[Nedward Underhill]

revised the start of ch1 b/c it was driving my crazy. We get to the action a bit sooner now. Also includes the following "teaser":

"Borelin had spent the last ten years keeping the boy’s existence a secret. This wasn’t easy. Rook had a terrible case of wanderlust, and was perpetually disappearing for hours on end. Sometimes he’s run off in the morning and Borelin wouldn’t see him again until after dark. Borelin didn’t like it, but he knew it was hard on the boy, growing up alone. Borelin had done his best to raise him up properly, but he wasn’t a particularly articulate or affectionate man. So he hadn’t clamped down on the habit, figuring that the boy needed some small pleasure. He took some comfort from the fact that the farm was alone in the remote north, miles from the nearest town. Still, he could not help worrying. "

[Nedward Underhill]

added the following to Maciael's conversation with the King:

...
Though hesitant to speak out of turn, Maciael began to think that he had missed some cue, and that something was required of him. “I greatly regret the passing of the High Chancellor, your Grace,” he ventured. “A terrible blow.”

Maciael’s words appeared to bring the King’s attention back to their conference. He took a deep breath, and though he continued to stare ahead, his attention was very much on Maciael. “Yes. Tell me, Maciael, what do you know of the Chancellor’s death?”

Maciael attempted to evade the question. “Word has not yet spread widely, your Grace. You word was the first notice that we received of the event.”

The King cast a measuring gaze on Maciael. “Indeed.” Maciael concentrated on keeping his face calm and still, betraying no hint of his thoughts. After a long moment, the King’s eyes passed off of him and look back outside. He voice slowed almost to a whisper. “Word has not spread widely…as you say. Tell me, Maciael, you were on quite…close….terms with the Chancellor. It is possible that his death might have affected you…more personally than most. What word…would you provide to the masses now?”

There was not a shred of doubt in Maciael’s mind that his answer to the King’s innocent-sounding question would determine his future. There was no way to judge what the King wanted to hear however, or even how much he knew of the truth. “Your Majesty, “ he began, even as his mind raced through the possibilities. His instincts told him that it was too risky to lead with the truth now. “The High Chancellor was a great leader of the church, and a friend to the King. He served well and diligently, and died in office, as he would have wanted. He shall be honoured in death, and no bad spoken of him.”

The King gazed out over the vista before them, his hand idly playing with the great silver chain that held up his marble cynosure. There was a long pause. “He died as he lived,” he finally replied, trying out the words on his lips.

“Yes.”

For a moment longer, the King stood still, playing with the chain around his neck. Then he seemed to come to a decision. He smiled and put his hand on Maciael’s shoulder. “Did you know that I fought my first training match against your father?”
...

[Nedward Underhill]

I've been struggling with a way to establish the right relationship between Borelin and Rook. I think I've found it in the use of the word "lad" instead of "boy." I went abck and revised the earlier chapters making this change.

[Nedward Underhill]

I think Borelin's weapons need to change. I selected them months ago, but they aren't useful when he has to wear mitts. Any comments welcome as I think this over.

[Nedward Underhill]

Divio is more accurately a "valet" rather than a "page." I've adjusted the manuscript, though have not yet made the changes online.